19 Jan

Enabler Behavior: Motivations, Signs, Impact, and Strategies for Change

Motivations for enabling behavior can be complex and multifaceted, often involving a combination of factors. Below, we explore the motivations and psychological factors behind enabling behavior. Recognizing the pattern of enabler behavior is important because it can help us understand the role the enabler is playing in the person’s harmful habits. According to the American Psychological Association, an enabler is someone who permits, encourages, or contributes to someone else’s maladaptive behaviors.

There is a fine line between providing support and enabling. There’s nothing wrong with extending financial help to a loved one from time to time. This, of course, is harder if you insinuate that their behaviors are acceptable by blaming others. This makes them feel it’s okay if they get in trouble because you’ll be there to bail them out. Unfortunately, many enablers struggle to understand the recovery process. This is because it’s harder to draw the line between acceptance and unacceptable behavior.

Set (and stick to) boundaries

In a lot of cases, it’s other people around you who are more likely to recognize that you’re helping someone who isn’t helping themselves,” Dr. Borland explains. It’s important to take steps to recognize this behavior and correct it by setting boundaries with the person, avoiding making excuses for them, letting them take responsibility for their actions, and encouraging them to get help. Before you start to help someone, it’s important to acknowledge that you can’t control another person’s behavior, and it’s not your job to do so. Accidental enablers can use boundaries to stop the cycle. Cleaning up includes any form of shielding the person from the natural negative consequences of their own behavior. Being an enabler doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.

Treatment & Support

My cousin sacrificed her own future for him–she paid off his debts, nursed his health issues, and tried every which way to help him overcome his addictions. Additionally, other treatment options help address a loved one’s addiction. Some specialists and professionals can help you or your loved one to recover from SUD. Handling a person with SUD is stressful and challenging. You may also consider talking with your friends and family, so you don’t have to do it alone. Sit them down and confront them about their actions.

Enabling Substance Abuse and Addiction

When someone you love is struggling, it’s natural to want to help. Use profiles to select personalised content. Create profiles to personalise content.

This often stems from a desire to keep the peace, diffuse tension, or avoid conflict, even though it continues unhealthy situations. By downplaying the seriousness of the situation, the enabler avoids facing uncomfortable truths, but this denial only allows the harmful behavior to continue unchecked. This stage is often rooted in fear, guilt, or a desire to avoid conflict, and it prevents both the enabler and the other person from addressing the issue. A rescuing enabler intervenes or helps the person whenever a problem comes up, taking on that person’s responsibilities when they should be working through that problem themselves. The enabler might think, “I’m just trying to protect them from losing their job,” but this behavior only allows the problem to persist and delays the need for change.

What Is a Passive Enabler?

It can be very difficult to see a loved one face challenges with substance abuse. Desperate enabling causes stress and difficult challenges for everyone involved. For example, a partner might agree to buy alcohol for someone struggling with drinking, thinking, “If I don’t do it, they’ll get angry or find a way to get it anyway.” Other experts label the stages as innocent enabling and desperate enabling. Not all experts agree on the amount of stages when it comes to enabling, but some include denial, compliance, control, and crisis. While this may keep things running smoothly in the short term, it allows the other person to avoid their responsibilities and creates an imbalance in the relationship.

What Is the Difference Between a Helper and an Enabler?

Usually, enabling happens accidentally. You can enable someone’s bad behavior in many ways, but it all boils down to the things you do to keep them in the status quo. What is enabling, and why is it unhelpful?

Instead, it’s determined by your emotional connection to a person. There are no particular personality traits that make someone an enabler. A passive enabler is someone who is unaware or indirectly enables another person. However, enablers usually have good intentions that are misplaced, while abusers are typically trying to gain something over their victims.

Now that you’ve relinquished control, turn your attention to the person you’re trying to help.
Recognizing and breaking this cycle is crucial as it allows the sufferer to confront reality and take responsibility for their choices, fostering personal development and resilience.
Enabler behavior can have negative consequences for the enabler and the person they’re enabling.
For example, giving money to a loved one who uses it for drugs or alcohol, or covering for someone’s bad behavior, are forms of enabling.
For example, a parent of an adult child with substance use issues might prepare all their meals, clean their home, and handle their bills, thinking, “If I take care of everything, they won’t spiral further.”

Signs You May Be Enabling Someone (Enabling Behaviors)

It can also end up in worsened outcomes in relationships and the overall situation, as destructive behaviors continue they come with higher risk. One of the biggest risks of being an enabler is that it can end up becoming extremely draining and distressing for both the enabler and the person being enabled. While parents should protect their children, overprotective parenting is excessive and often shields the child from learning from experiences and important life lessons. According to studies, overprotective parenting is defined as a parent being overly restrictive in an attempt to protect their child from potential harm or risk. With codependency, a person relies on the other person for support in essentially all aspects of their life, especially emotionally.

Often, we think we’re helping others because we want to. “We don’t want to see our friends or family struggling. But enabling happens in many other contexts as well. That can be things like giving money to an adult child who hasn’t spent theirs wisely. Advertising on our site helps support our mission.

Characteristics of Enablers

A lot of times, people don’t realize that they are enabling someone because they think they are helping. The first step in trying to support someone without enabling them is to acknowledge the things you have done that might have allowed the other person to continue their destructive behaviors. It is not uncommon for enablers to be unaware that what they are doing is actually unhelpful and allow the other person to continue their harmful behaviors. In the denial stage of enabling, the enabler tries to downplay or deny that there is a problem or that their actions are potentially harmful and unhealthy. This can also lead to a type of trauma bonding, where the enabler feels that they cannot stop enabling the person that they love without feeling that they abandoned them in their time of need.

First is recognizing that you’re contributing to a cycle of enabling.
However, most people who engage in enabling behaviors do so unknowingly.
Desperate enabling causes stress and difficult challenges for everyone involved.
Being an enabler doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.
A sign of enabling behavior is to put someone else’s needs before yours, particularly if the other person isn’t actively contributing to the relationship.

Enabler definition

There are consequences to our own well-being when we enable others.” “If you’re giving and giving and giving to someone else, eventually, you’re going to start running on empty. So, when you enabling behavior meaning start taking on tasks to help others, it’s only natural that eventually something has to give. Enabling can also be a way of protecting those we love from others’ scrutiny — or protecting ourselves from acknowledging a loved one’s shortcomings. It may be a decision you make consciously or not, but at the root of your behavior is an effort to avoid conflict. Enabling becomes less like making a choice to be helpful and more like helping in an attempt to keep the peace.

You’re also being a good role model for consistent behavior. If you put your foot down on not loaning money to your brother until three agreed upon monthly payments on previous loans, don’t waffle after two months. Not sticking to your word about boundaries and limits In these moments, it can be hard not to feel compelled to do something.

While the intention is to support the child, this behavior keeps them from learning responsibility, problem-solving skills, and the ability to manage their own challenges. For example, a parent might repeatedly do their teenage child’s homework for them, thinking, “If I don’t help, they’ll fail their class and fall behind.” This can mean that they might keep the person from facing the consequences of their actions or resolve the other person’s problems themselves.

If you help a loved one set realistic, incremental milestones right from the start, there will hopefully be many opportunities to celebrate. The road to recovery and change is almost never a spotless one, so it’s important not to guilt trip or shame them if and when they slip. When the person is ready to change–to get off drugs, leave a toxic relationship, make a monthly budget–you can be ready to keep them accountable if they ask for help. Give them ample space to talk through their thoughts and feelings. Let go of judgments and radically accept this person. We’re all human, and when someone we care about keeps sabotaging themselves, it’s easy to get frustrated.

Enabling actions are often intended to help and support a loved one. Managing enabling behavior may require that you first recognize the root cause of it. You might feel depleted and blame the other person for taking all your energy and time. Sometimes, when all your time and energy is focused on your loved one, you might feel like your efforts aren’t appreciated or reciprocated. Taking on someone else’s responsibilities is another form of enabling behavior.